


stupid hyunjin

by hiddenclawsof



Series: #hyunlixcloud [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, Confused Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gaming, Jealous Hwang Hyunjin, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), M/M, Mentioned Kim Seungmin, Open to Interpretation, Sad Hwang Hyunjin, Soft Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:35:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddenclawsof/pseuds/hiddenclawsof
Summary: Hyunjin would gladly take the riskAs long as he gets to see Felix smile brighter in the future, he’d be okay, smiling through the pain.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Series: #hyunlixcloud [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942687
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	stupid hyunjin

**Author's Note:**

> this was written on a whim after getting so sad when billie eilish's when the party's over played so i suggest you listen to that while reading this

Hyunjin didn’t mean to.  _ Trust  _ him, he didn’t mean to. But one day he just woke up and found himself staring a little bit longer at the group’s fluff ball of sunshine.  _ Hyunjin didn’t mean to.  _ Because he believed that it was normal; that no matter how strange his chest feels as his eyes lingered on  _ that  _ smile, it was all normal. After all, he doubted himself multiple times already because other members might’ve felt this way too and he  _ clings  _ to that thought just to make himself feel better.

Hyunjin didn’t mean to feel butterflies in his stomach whenever their skin touched and whenever his name would roll over the younger man’s tongue. Hyunjin didn’t mean to gush over how adorable he looked whenever his eyelids flicker in desperate will to keep his eyes open during makeup sessions.

_ Hyunjin didn’t mean to. _

He never thought that one day he’ll wake up from his bed and the once unnamed feelings he buried will finally be identified. It took him no more than 4 months to admit that the blooming  _ friendship  _ that they had was something that is not only limited to that of a friendship. It was something farther than their eyes could sight and their hands could reach.

It was a place where Hyunjin was willing to take risks. Maybe not totally leaving everything behind but at least be able to man up and face his challenges slash  _ love  _ only for Felix. He was willing to go  _ that  _ far. Even his other members applaud him for that. But no matter how ready you are, things may still not abide your plans. They will reject your being, mockingly look at your hard work and make you doubt yourself--  _ was he really ready to risk it for Felix _ ?

Hyunjin had asked himself that multiple times. That runs over his mind every day, every afternoon when they eat their lunch and he finds Felix munching over his bread and every night where he gets to be alone in thought whenever Changbin is at the studio, producing a new song.

He sometimes would stand up and walk over to peek through the closed door of Felix’s room, checking if the said man is still awake, whether he can go there, flop his body to the younger, tangling their limbs together, snuggling their faces near each other.

And that sometime actually occurred. Hyunjin took the initiative and opened the door. Luckily there was no Chan around. Only Felix and his headset hanging on his small head and the lights of his computer screen threatening to damage the retina and cornea of his eyes.

Hyunjin  _ loves  _ it. But amongst everything that Hyunjin loves about Felix, it was the fact that whenever Hyunjin was around, Felix would willingly stop whatever he was doing and face the older.

But who knows what Hyunjin did, does or is about to do? 

Because right now was when Felix had drawn the line.

Hyunjin  _ didn’t  _ mean to. Honestly, just believe him, because he didn’t really mean to.

He didn’t mean to barge over Felix's room and watch him in silence cursing in a foreign language when his main character dies. He didn’t mean to want, to  _ desire _ Felix so bad that he didn’t feel his legs dragging themselves to where Felix was. He didn’t mean to raise his hand and gently poke Felix’s shoulder.  _ He didn’t mean to _ .

Seeing Felix illuminated with a dark color set of lights was ethereal. He didn’t need any studio lights to see Felix’s beauty after all. Seeing Felix’s bitten lips and his annoyed eyes that softened immediately made Hyunjin’s heart to beat to the extent of feeling it on his very own nerves.

God, he  _ loves  _ Felix so much that it hurts.

“Hey Jinnie,” Felix pushed himself away from his computer desk and lifted his headset up his head and looked at the sad hooded eyes that looked down on him.

Hyunjin doesn’t even know if he can feel something under that touch. Everything’s just so painful that it makes him numb. Was he crying? Was he sobbing? Or was he wailing to the very tip of his vocal cords, begging Felix to  _ finally _ love him back? Who knows.

Hyunjin striffled a dry laugh and cough before pushing another hand to the other side of Felix’s shoulders, pinning him to the backrest of the gaming chair. Who cares if that chair costs a thousand dollars? Hyunjin needed Felix, it’s not even making him sane anymore.

“Are you okay?” The worry in Felix’s face and voice were evident and that made Hyunjin laugh through his pain. The first thing that he didn't need for this night was  _ pity _ . He was  _ hurting!  _ And all Felix could ever offer was that angelic of a face that Hyunjin wanted to smother with kisses.

And what kind of question was that? Did Felix actually think that Hyunjin would answer that question properly? “I am, of course, baby.” See? Hyunjin always had this soft spot for Felix. Just a small smile from the younger, he’d be all over the clouds and feels like the day of his fleeting happiness would never end.

Felix just smiled and pulled Hyunjin into a very uncomfortable hug making Hyunjin bow a little but if cramping a muscle on his lower back would mean a hug from Felix, Hyunjin would be so much more than willing to offer more of his muscles.

“You don’t look like it, Hyunjin-ah. What happened?” Hyunjin couldn’t help but shiver to that low voice mumbling against his ear. His knees gave up and he finally let his legs be supported by Felix’s own thighs as he felt his face crumpled, morphing into a face of  _ desperation _ . He’s about to cry.

Do you really expect Hyunjin to voice out a ‘you happened Yongbok’? Because if not, well you are expecting wrong.

It only took Felix a small pat on Hyunjin’s back, slight snuggle to his neck and a press of his lips on the older’s shoulders to pull out the whines and deepest sorrows lying there. Felix knew that only  _ he  _ could do that, but never did he ask either of them why.

“I don’t even know why I’m tearing up--” Hyunjin tightened the hug and almost pushed the two off them upside down, but despite the pressing weight on Felix’s thighs, Felix remained still and patted Hyunjin’s head down to his shoulder blades.

His computer game and play with Seungmin are long forgotten.

“What made you feel like that, baby?” Did Hyunjin ever say that he always felt like he would explode whenever Felix spoke to him in english? How he wishes he couldn’t understand that.

But unfortunately, he could.

Honestly, Hyunjin couldn’t even think of things when he was asked by Felix  _ that _ . It is not easy to just say that he suddenly realized after watching him take a selfie in his handphone with a cat filter that he’s in love with the younger. It’s not that easy.

“I just want to…. cry.”

Hyunjin felt so stupid. Of course, he’d want to cry. The man that his body was yearning for is now wrapping his arms around him as if he’s trying to take away all the pain from Hyunjin’s inner being. He always thought that it was easy and that with the looks such as what he has would give him a sure win in getting whatever it is that he likes.

But too bad, it was Felix that he likes,  _ loves  _ to be more accurate.

And someone that he can  _ never  _ have.

“Would you hate me if I told you I  _ love  _ you?” Stupid Hyunjin waving his hand dramatically in the air again after being called up for so many times this day. But please, do not blame him and his poor heart. He  _ just  _ wanted to know.

He can always laugh it off and Felix would do the same.

I mean, it’s Felix,  _ right? _

“I  _ love  _ you too Hyunjin.”

The pain races from Hyunjin’s chest now reaching to his jaw. He  _ hates  _ the feeling of hearing Felix tell him he  _ loves  _ him because it’s not the same love that Hyunjin felt for the younger. It was not the  _ love  _ where they can stare longingly into each others’ eyes and mumble words of affection, it was not the love that would allow them to be content with just the feeling of each other’s hands. It was  _ not  _ the same  _ love. _

“Oh yeah?” Hyunjin tried too hard to bite on his lips to prevent his sobs being heard by the younger.

The pain that he felt on his lips was nothing comparable to the pain he’s feeling in his chest. It was suffocating, almost blocking a space for his lungs to expand. It radiates not just to his jaw, but also to his back and his head felt dizzy. It was ringing, circling and trying its best to make coherent thoughts out of this overwhelming emotion.

“Yes I do. I love the way that you always guide me during our lives and shows. You hold my hand to make me feel that I am not alone. You wrap your arms around my shoulders to make me feel included in the group. You cling on me and ask me to be with you all the time because you  _ care  _ for me. I know you  _ love  _ me Jinnie and I  _ love  _ you too.”

The pain even worsened and the tears that Hyunjin pushed inside his tear glands eventually streamed down, directly at Felix’s neck. Hyunjin felt Felix stiffen and panic but subsided when Felix lifted him up and let Hyunjin wrap his legs around his waist.

“You’re such an idiot.” Hyunjin managed to voice out a breathy, broken string of words.

Felix was about to laugh at the retort but somehow the broken pieces merged together and slapped him like how he should have been by Hyunjin. His once lively shoulders droop down, allowing Hyunjin to push his face further to Felix’s neck, sniffling his man scent. Felix’s eyes wavered, he didn’t know where to look.

Is he going to look at his character that is now on the APK mode? Or Seungmin’s chat box asking him to mute the mic multiple times before doing the actual muting by himself to protect his mind, ears and  _ dear  _ life from hearing their love confessions? He does not know where to look!

Hyunjin wanted to find the words that he had been meaning to say. He never planned to confess anytime soon to the aussie but the situation seems right and if he is going to get hurt, at least the aussie gets to do it all at once in just a night although Hyunjin would probably cry for a week.

Hyunjin didn’t mean to.

He didn’t mean to overthink things and assume so many of what he has considered to be a fact now. But if you are in his position, you’d get to understand him. How can you watch the love of your life attempt to kiss his best friend Jisung in front of a camera? How can you watch the love of your life be appreciated (as he should be) by the same people that keep on gushing over his charms and looks from beginning till the end? He knows  _ his  _ baby looks godly. He knows that Felix is a different level of a visual himself. But hearing other people and seeing their  _ loving  _ stares at his love makes him feel unwanted feelings.

What was it again? Jealousy? Pretty sure it is. 

But Hyunjin wouldn’t want to name it.

So of all the things that he didn’t mean to, this might be the one thing that he only meant-- as a sign of his frustration and a few sniffs, Hyunjin pushed himself from Felix and allowed the dark orbs of the younger to stare at his glistening ones. Some tears left traces on his cheeks, almost wetting his long blonde bangs.

Hyunjin didn't need words. He only needed an accessory of his face to speak what’s on his mind. His tongue would still work the same if he was allowed but nevertheless,  _ this  _ would be enough.

He held Felix’s face inside his palms and pressed their foreheads together. For some reason, Hyunjin felt like this was a goodbye and he isn't even good with those kinds of separational greetings! But Hyunjin still pushed through.

Maybe this time it wasn’t for Felix. It was for  _ him _ .

After thinking about what Felix would say about his affection, the last thing that Hyunjin wanted to hear from the younger was blunt rejection without even having to kiss those lips that would mouth the harsh words.

So Hyunjin dove for it. It was soft and without aggression. It was emotional, phenomenal, and somehow sad that Felix felt his very own eyes water as well. Their lips were shaking against each other and no one wanted to move. They let their hair poke their skin and their hands find their way for a place to calmly rest to.

It wasn’t full of saliva unlike the movies. It was their bare lips and their very own brands of toothpaste. It wasn’t romantic but Hyunjin felt cheesy. It wasn’t anything he had expected from his relationship with Felix but somehow it felt right. At that moment where their lips latched, not moving, just warming their lips against each other, felt so right that Hyunjin never wanted to let go.

But Hyunjin  _ knew _ better.

He knew better than to cage Felix inside his very own  _ love _ for the latter.

So he let go.

He let the face go, he let the thighs go and did not look back. Felix was quiet, his breath was not steady and his eyes watched Hyunjin awfully slowly walk towards the door that had already closed. It felt like the world stopped moving and only let them move for the time being. Felix knew he could stand up and run to Hyunjin, but his feet were stoned to the floor. There was no voice ringing out of his throat and his fingers stiffened at the lost touch.

Hyunjin was crying.  _ Helplessly _ and  _ hopelessly _ .

It's not like he was letting his feelings go for the latter when he said he is letting go. He’s just  _ letting  _ Felix go. He’d be distancing himself, he’d be closeting himself for  _ god knows how long. _

And if that would make him and Felix feel a little bit better in the future.

Hyunjin would gladly take the risk 

As long as he gets to see Felix smile brighter in the future, he’d be okay,  _ smiling through the pain. _

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> have you seen hyunjin's face during the sbs polaroid selca while felix was getting his polaroid taken? that was the face i am talking about here.
> 
> and this is kind of a prequel to that.
> 
> but yes! i hope you enjoy this~ i might put a sequel to this, but we don't know yet since i have an another sequel coming up.
> 
> thank you so much for reading!
> 
> [ twt ](https://twitter.com/hiddenclawsof)


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